17/365 school

Today was Janie’s first day back in school and it….wasn’t great. I decided we would go with Khan academy and sub in math and Bible and boy that’s not a good idea. 

It’s okay because I have a backup plan but in the throes of the day I felt the same familiar overwhelming sense that I was failing. 

Janie’s history was taking a very slanted political turn and it was uncomfortable, the housework fell behind and I tried to rock Polly to sleep while helping Jenna with grammar and in my head negative thoughts were swarming like flies. 

It had to be the devil, because I can’t make negative thoughts that depressing on my own. At least about school and being a failure. At the least little thing that went wrong my mind would be set ablaze with thoughts like, ‘see! You’re failing them. You’re not fit to be a mother and a teacher when you can barely watch Polly and wash dishes at the same time. You need help to do the least little thing. You are a failure.’ 

It’s brutal. It was hard and made me feel like this would be my life forever and when it came time to homeschool my own kids I will fail them just as badly. 

I don’t think I’m failing. I think I’m really overwhelmed and I haven’t figured out how to do things efficiently yet. It was only the first day of Janie’s school and just because it was hard doesn’t mean it always will be. 

The day came and went. After school it was time for Jenna’s volleyball game. Because of Polly’s bedtime being early, it usually means we can’t go to her games. But this one was only twenty minutes away from home so we were able to go. They won two of three games! And Polly loved it. 

I’m frankly amazed at how much Polly loved it. She watched the game and clapped and pointed and yelled and somehow managed to fall asleep even with the loud echoing noises?? I was shocked when I looked back to see Mimi swaying her asleep on her chest. 

Then she drove us home. She is a wonderful chauffeur.