11/365 bitterness

Grief makes you bitter. It’s okay that it does. 

I am bitter that my Mom isn’t here to help me be a mom. Part of the reason why I quit Facebook and Instagram was because I saw mom after mom with their mothers and wanting so badly to have what they do. 

I feel like they take it for granted. They probably don’t, but I feel like they don’t think about how good they have it. It’s infuriating and I am terribly jealous. I feel like it rubs salt in my wound; how could you possibly post about your mom taking your baby on errands with her and not think of how much that must hurt for all us motherless mothers? 

I’m scared to be pregnant again and have another baby because I feel like I won’t be able to handle it. I also don’t want to get pregnant again and feel all those feelings of grief that my Mom won’t be here to know my other children. I don’t want Polly to be an only sibling but I just don’t feel like I can do this again. That’s another thing that makes me bitter, I could have a million children if my Mom were here to help me. But she isn’t, and I feel alone even though I know I’m not. I have Tripp and I have my sisters and my grandmother but the hole in my heart is bigger than they can mend by helping me and that’s just the messy, sad truth.