61/365 all talk

I’m not a very good conversationalist. I’m very introverted, and I’m terrible at small talk and very quiet by nature. I’ll listen all day long, but I’m not great at talking. 

As a teen, I think I sort of figured out I could keep a conversation going by doing the ‘you have a story and I have one that relates to it so I’ll tell mine after you tell yours in hopes that you see that I’m empathizing with you’ however…the longer I used that tactic the more selfish it made me feel. The more it made it seem like I was dying to tell my own story and wasn’t fully invested in their own experience. It never dawned on me that I could ask questions instead of reply with a similar story. 

A friend gave me the book, ‘Share Your Stuff, I’ll go First’ and at first I thought it was selfish and tacky, then I actually read it. 

The author of the book explains that if you are inquisitive about people, why they do this or where that habit came from, the more you ask the better your conversation will be. 

I’ve been actively trying it in conversation and it’s proven true. For instance, instead of someone saying, ‘I broke my arm a month ago and it’s so uncomfortable’ and me saying ‘I know that feeling, I’ve broken my arm four times’ I’ve been trying to be mindful to ask follow up questions. Like ‘Wow, that does sound painful. What has been the most challenging part?’ 

It’s probably something lots of people already know to do, but I grew up awkward and quiet and not knowing how to talk to people and this really does help. Today some of my long time friends came over and spent the day with me. Since having Polly and the loss of Mom, it’s been even harder for me to open up to people. I just feel very isolated, and I don’t feel like I relate to people anymore even though that isn’t true at all. Grief makes you feel lonely, even amongst close friends. I purposefully asked questions, and even though there were moments when I defaulted to relating stories— I tried to notice and shift the conversation back to the other person in a way that implied that, ‘I care about what you have to say and I want to hear more of your thoughts cause you’re my friend.’ 

I don’t want anyone to ever think I enjoy hearing my own voice over theirs, ya know? I’m trying to be a better conversationalist and better friend and live as selflessly as I possibly can. Three cheers for personal growth!