46/365 bleh

Yesterday was defeating. The house was a wreck. The baby gate needed a tool that Tripp had with him to be installed properly, so Polly kept trying to climb up the stairs while I was cleaning. To top it all off I made the leak under the kitchen cabinet worse by shoving the insta pot into the plumbing and knocking it out of place, causing water to pool under the sink and puddle up on the floor. 

All I wanted was to get the house clean for my myself and for my husband, so he would be impressed by all I got done that day and so we could relax in the evening. 

So standing there mopping up gross leak water while trying to keep Polly from licking it, I felt entirely too overwhelmed. I called Tripp and told him what happened and in the most defeated tone ever I told him I was just going to make dinner at Mom and Dad’s and not be at home. Gently, he told me it would be okay, and that I should just make dinner at our house. 

It was calm, he wasn’t demeaning to my feelings, but insisted that everything would be okay. It was just what I needed to hear honestly, because really I called him because I fed up and needed to process my feelings out loud. He listened, calmly reassured me that things would be okay and it gave me the push I needed to convince myself to overcome this. 

I fed Polly, put her down in a pile of toys and quickly cleaned up the water. I tidied as much as I could and then I prepped dinner which was just heated up leftovers and by the time Tripp actually did get home I was feeling better. He told me how impressed he was by the progress I made and by how I overcame the situation, which was nice and reassuring to hear. I’m trying really hard to not be so depressed that the least little thing totally crushes me. I’m getting better at it thanks to therapy and self work, learning to talk to myself in a gracious way and not be so quick to give in to the urge to lay down on the floor and never do anything else ever again. 

Things will get easier, and I won’t always feel so overwhelmed. We won’t always live in an old apartment that was not well built. Admittedly sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the part of my life that feels so far away and easier than the place I’m at right now. Ease will come, clean dishes will happen and mental clarity will be a lifelong balance.