21/ 365 triggers

After Mom’s death the list of things that triggered me got very long and I felt entitled to each thing that hurt and took me back to the worst moments of her sufferings. Each thing felt like a piece of me, woven into the fabric of my being and highly sensitive to questions or remarks. In the early months after her passing I would have full on panic attacks after seeing something that triggered me and the idea that I needed to learn to control it felt like an insult.

That’s the way my grief has worked. I think it’s normal too, you need those triggers to protect you, to keep you from perpetually living in memories so avoiding them makes perfect sense. That’s my logic at least. 

It’s been over a year and a half. I am only just now at a place where I can allow myself to control how I deal with my triggers. These are some skills I’ve developed through research and experience that have helped me to learn to control my reaction to facing something that reminds me of my past trauma. 

1. Tell yourself, ‘I’m not there, I’m here. I am not in the past’ 
2. Don’t avoid your feelings by repressing them just because to feel them would be inconvenient at that particular moment. 
3. Control your breathing and breathe long and slow breaths.
4. Identify what upsets you and name it for what it is, are you angry at the injustice of your trauma? Be angry. Are you sad because of the memories attached to something? Be sad. 

Healing is a slow process. There isn’t any need to rush it or cover it up to make other’s feel comfortable. It’s also perfectly okay to accept that you will never be the same again and to grieve that for as long as you need to, even if in some small way it means grieving it forever.