The Diary of a Motherless Mother

“Ten years ago, I started writing this for you. I wrote it for you and only you. Since then, millions of other people have read it, but none have understood it the way you understand it. I set out to find you a long time ago and today, I'm so glad I finally have. Thank you for reading these words.”

- Ian S Thomas, ‘I wrote this for you’ 

To my daughter, I started this as a diary for you. To know my thoughts when you were little and to encourage you. Maybe, also, so you can understand me better and through that we can closer. I will always be your mother, but I will always want to be your friend and maybe that starts with the brutal honesty that only a diary can give. 

I don’t have a mom. I have mother figures, mentors. But I do not have what you do. It hurts me, I want my own Mother back. She was beautiful, wise…she tried so hard for so long and I feel cheated. That is the most important thing to know. I grieve for myself and all the things I know I’m missing, but also I grieve everything you are missing by not having a grandmother like she would have been. Christmas time, picnics, her teaching you to crochet. These are just a few of the things that you will never experience and it tears my heart to absolute shreds. It will still make me sad 50 years from now, it will be with me like an old achy scar that stings when it rains and God, I pray you will never ever have to experience the pain I have. 

And to be honest, I’m afraid of not being as good as her. 

I’m overwhelmed by my loss and overwhelmed by parenthood. Which is not your fault. You are the best thing I’ve ever had, and I love you. I’m just afraid of not being good enough, not living in the moment enough. I’m so bad at taking the time to fully appreciate what is in front of

me. I’m constantly thinking of the next thing that needs doing, or the ever lurking tasks that make up keeping a home. 

I’m afraid of not wanting to homeschool. Or doing it out of obligation, because my experience with it so far has been so stressful. Will I always feel like I have no time? Will I always feel so stretched thin? 

Maybe, if I can keep this up. I will answer my own questions.