8 / 365 you can survive the things that scare you

 I think fear shows you things about yourself that, before you experienced one of your greatest fears actually happening to you, you don't really know. 

If someone asked me what my greatest fear would be, I would tell you that it's losing my family. My husband, my daughter, my Dad and siblings and grandparents. 

Before Mom's passing, I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through if I lost her. I thought I would fall to pieces and never get back up again. I thought I would actually physically die too. In some ways thats true of me. I lost part of myself in that trauma and when the mental rescue mission happened, I never found all of me. I lost a joyous part of myself, the carefree, spontaneous and easy going girl that existed safe and secure in her Mother's love that gave her wings is dead and buried. 

Watching the collapse of my life unfold before my eyes I learned that I can survive trauma. But God, please don't ever let me suffer like that again. It's a prayer I pray every night and every morning. I faced a fear I thought would kill me, and I don't want to ever do it again. Please not that traumatic, please not so tragically. Please let life run its 'course' and please let all of my loved ones grow to a ripe old age and pass peacefully in their sleep. 

If you're struggling with fear, or the aftermath of grief, don't do it alone. Therapy helps and talking to people who will honest to goodness just listen and not try to 'fix' you will help. Set boundaries and say no to things that trigger you, cry all day alone in bed. Feel what you have to and don't push yourself to move on. I guess that's my advice to anyone going through heartbreak and grief or shock.