I feel like people talk about postpartum depression A LOT but tend to never mention post natal anxiety which, is what I believe I had. I say had because I was never officially diagnosed…I was screened twice for it and lied both times because I was terrified that if I told the truth of my mental state, someone would take my baby from me.
That is what anxiety has the power to do to you.
I felt like if I told someone A. Someone would take my baby or B. They would give me medication that would dull my senses and then I wouldn’t be as watchful in case something awful did happen to Polly. It was almost as if I needed the worry to be a good mother, not that I needed mental stability.
As she gets closer and closer to a year old, as I reflect on my experience postpartum I try to give myself a lot of grace. I was grieving a traumatic loss and trying to take care of a baby on little sleep. I had so much fear and no real coping mechanisms. Sleep did help, and as she got older I felt the fog of postpartum hormones lift and a lot of my worry vanished with it. I still check her breathing when she’s asleep, but it’s not panicking and every five minutes like it used to be. Nowadays my worries are more ‘what is she eating off the floor?’ and ‘what is she trying to climb on now?’
Much better easier things to fuss over, and she gives me plenty of exercise.
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